You don't even know!

I just finished a particularly grueling painting gig and I think I'm retiring, throwing in the brush as they say. The other day, some contractor was giving JC guff about his technique and he was all, "mind your own business motherfucker, I'm doing the Louisiana scissorstroke on this bitch, suck my cock." Unable to respond the contractor picked his butt and walked away.
p.s. Fuck you Rock 95. Fuck you right in the ass. I hope this gets to you cocksuckers, playing that ear-poison bullshit that is Kid Rock's new single 3 times in 2 days is fucking unacceptable. I'd rather get waterboarded at Guantanamo Bay.

Here is some music I took from a large blog today. XXXChange's We Make it Good Mix is a must have.

XXXChange-We Make it Good Vol. 4

Well as much as I love Santogold there was no fucking way i was going to see her perform with coldplay either yesterday or tonight, but hey if you are into that she is here tonight. Besides that Santi can you please come to Toronto and do a legit show without coldplay some time? please?

Santogold - Get It Up (Radioclit Mix feat. M.I.A. and Gorilla Zoe)
Santogold - Guns of Brooklyn

Speaking of dark and dingy bars with more pipes then super mario world, we should hit up tiger bar some time. Also WS are you rolling to the does it offend you, Yeah? show on monday?

Ladyhawke - Paris is Burning (Cut Copy remix)
The Presets - My People (Mouse On Mars Terror Pretzels Remix)

oh Sébastien Tellier you weird old man

i posted the video for this guys single Divine a while back, here is his eurovision performance, and its the best live performance i have ever seen

and if Boney M dosen't have raw sex appeal i dont know if anybody does


Polish Edit: I dug into the Polish archives of 2000 and found the mp3. Here it is for anyone that wants? no one? fuck...
Boney M - Daddy Cool

ah its 1033, ... i told her what time it was, ye ye yey

i have always joked about watching Metropia (this is what the info box says on it "Peeking into the lives of a group of cross-cultural twenty something hipsters in downtown Toronto. Drama") and without a doubt it could be one of the worst Canadian tv shows that is still on TV, there was Traders a bad show about stock brokers and the ups and downs of there work hard play hard backstabbing lives, and we can all remember Train 48 some say the best of bad Canadian TV, but no more it is Metropia, its like a soft core porn with no action worst acting and plot lines I cant even get behind. do you have 30 minutes you don't want back go ahead watch an episode don't be dismayed by the description "twenty somethings" if there is ever a worst over used term its "tour de' force" can they use that more in book reviews, if i ever see that on a book jacket i just put it down, never again. anyway i saw a king of the hill i havent seen so it justified 4 hours in front of the TV.

Here is the music, its legit i have been listening to them on the subway i am off albums till i can find some decent ones,

Santogold - Starstruck (Diplo Remix)
Brodinski - Bad Runner
Late Of The Pier - Focker
Sébastien Tellier - L'amour et la violence (Boys Noize Remix)
Das Pop - Underground (Djedjotronic & Busy P Remix)

you would be a fool not to download the all

TV Personalities

Just wanted to take a moment to talk about Television Personalities. This band is so sick my MOMS got the flu (and so does your dad!). They've put out well over ten records over the years and are complete masters in the domain of re-creation. Dan Treacy may or may not be a total drug addict, but man does he make it look cool. I also think they're probably the number one band to make out to (if you're not a fucking idiot loser). Here are a few ear snacks for anybody with the late night munchies. Oh, yeah, and I just ate a moldy cracker for seriously. 

Television Personalities- Favorite Films

Television Personalities- You Kept Me Waiting Too Long Long Long... (Ratatat Remix)

Television Personalities- Part Time Punks

Where have all the basement parties gone?

Yeah, thats Miss Chelsey Armstrong grabbing some kid by the hair (she's also standing on a moldy couch) in a sick ass basement/warehouse party. Guelph sucks, alright? We are in need of some seriously gritty shitty, sticky sweaty, watch out for the pipes and cracked cement floors kind of hurrah. So I'm going to take it upon myself to say that we're going to throw one down come the cool breeze of September. Date tba. 

So....I really liked Spinto Band's last album. I listened to Oh Mandy about a Million times during my second year at school. Well, guess what! Their new album comes out in October. Its called Moonwink and heres a little ditty. Its okay, maybe it will grow on me. 

Spinto Band- Summer Grof

And...tracks that can be heard blaring from my mom's Honda Accord:

The Twelves- Works For Me

Cazals- Somebody, Somewhere (Moulinex Remix)

Leisure Suit- Moulinex

Go Back- GRUM (Le Castle Vania Remix)

The Who- Baba O'Riely (SebastiAn Remix)

I'm super down with Moulinex, I know I've said this before, but shit. That GRUM tune gets super murderous at the end and the Who remix is pretty old, but its neat. 

Friday Shit Bag

This is truly one of the worst music videos ever made. I mean, what is the deal with that extension ladder? I love the way he throws his sunglasses off when shit gets heavy though.

I found this quote in an article of the Life section in The Globe and Mail:

"I'm a 21-year-old girl and my favourite thing is to give guys oral sex and I love it so much I actually had to quit my job because I didn't have time to give oral sex as much as I wanted to."

WHA???? So where does a guy find these 21-year old oral sex addicts? Craigslist? I wonder if she makes a good casserole as well.

Finally, Manny Ramirez is a personal hero of mine. He does shit on the field that no other player can get away with. Allegedly, his ego has grown to the point where he insists on using hand towels to wipe his ass. THIS article fills you in on the hilarious results.

...And after I posted this i realized that Jim Goad's article should go up as well.

Round 2 Fight!

Got another battle Bloody beetroots vs. Crookers another remix battle same deal as last time.

Secret Handshake - Summer Of 98 (Bloody Beetroots Remix)
Secret Handshake - Summer of 98 (Crookers Remix)

also crowbar i got the song that you requested.

Manu Chao - Bongo Bong

MANU CHAO

bongo bong!

if any one can find this mp3 hook me up, polish guy posted a real slick remix of it, and i am really digging the original to, the song is so sick,the rest of his stuff is legit

TV Tuesday

I feel bad for Iron Mike Tyson with his emotional baggage but I don't think that I could get up in the morning without remembering that his crazy bullshit is right there on the internet to make me laugh whenever I want.



This second video is made up of some of the best celebrity meltdowns of all time. My personal favorite is when Bjork beats the shit out of a reporter who says, "Welcome to Shanghai." The nerve!

the onion did it again for me, made me laugh at work and reminded me of myself

this has one of the greatest rock songs in it, but some how makes me not like it?

We all know you're soft cause we've all seen you dancing, we all know you're hard cause we've all seen you drinking from noon until noon again...

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. 

When I think about the truly terrible things in life, like genocide, holy war, AIDS, cancer, dj tiesto, brutal dictators, getting soakers, alien invasions, ugly children, rape, censorship, the death of biggie smalls, the blotting ink on my cell phone screen, house flies, people with bad teeth, sex trade, katie perry, serial killers, guys who are really tanned and jacked, gas prices, government corruption, that movie where vin diesel was a babysitter, litterbugs, laziness, shitty old decrepit cats, the guelph mall, tevas, being half way through a sick orgy and the asshole orgy dj plays time after time (like fuck!) and when you lose the lid to your tooth paste and it gets all hard and clumpy......well I usually listen to songs like these, it helps. You should try it!

 

Kodachrome- Paul Simon

The Boy With The Arab Strap- Belle & Sebastian 

How to kill your shit time at work pt. 1

"We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful." Huh?

1. I find that the bible is an extremely important resource at the end of a long boring week. The above passage (James 5:11) illustrates how the bible is one of the funniest fucking books out there. It is also exciting with tons of wrath, smiting and crazy shit all around. I keep a pocket sized bible at my desk for random attacks of boredom and it always helps. I'll take it over Harry Potter any day.

2. Will Leitch is the founder of Deadspin which is probably the funniest sports blog on the internet, and he now writes for New York Magazine. Anyway, a decade ago he wrote this weekely column called "Life as a Loser," which is a long series of funny, honest, self-depreciating essays that I read while I'm at work. The most notable one is when he explains how his fiance dumped him the night before he was supposed to be on the game show "Win Ben Stein's Money."

pt. 2 next Friday

Oh look! Somebodys mom is sexually harassing that boy

Whats with Madonna looking like shes 25 Years old? The girl is 50. If they can take 25 years off of somebody's appearance, does that mean they can make me look unborn, or for the sake of reality lets say.......uhhh 2 years old? Hey mom! Stop pinning my friends up against walls and humping them.

Madonna- Get Into The Groove (Sidechains Remix)

One more thing...

Has anyone seen the New Kids on the Block video? Their "comeback" is making me want to paint Guelph in my BARF. I tried to post the video with great failure and everyone who Ive attempted to get to help me is being an asshole, so go and watch it on YouTube if you have the time. It starts off with one of them texting "Its on!" to his other shitty group members and then hopping in his private....helicopter? One of them looks like a fucking tattooed monkey experiment, and the other ones are just OLD as SHIT. The whole thing is like a CSI Miami episode without the comedic intervention of David Carouso, and there are 20 year old bombshells rubbing themselves all over these idiots....yeah right. Isn't one of them a real estate agent? I hope not the monkey guy. Oh yeah, and they do a group dance. nuff said.

BRITISH OPEN TODAY!!!!!

Bitch don't just stand there wit your nose up

I'm gonna go out in this world and get everything I can get. I mean, I'm gonna be rich, super rich. I mean, I'm gonna be spending money like a chimp in a beat-off contest.

Anyway so what do you get when you mix a shitty 3-years ago indie band with some talented motherfuckers that rap about money, crack, and STD's? Something very good. So here it is, my second posted "mash-up"(what a gay term) in two days. As usual this is really fucking old.

Clipse/CYHSY-Clap Your Hands Say Wamp Wamp

Holy Gosh Damn! Your flub and chub woes SOLVED!

Okay ladies, you no longer have to look to the charming likes of Richard Simmons in order to work off your "my husbands got a girl friend" blubber. This new and exciting method is especially effective if you happen to enjoy getting your head blown off by molten-mega tracks. So everyone should come out and blow their head- AND nasty inner thigh fat off to the GOSH DAMN DJS! on Thursday night at Guelph's sexy Albion Hotel. I frequent the joint most Thursdays, and the results have been fantastic! I dropped 20 pounds & 6,000,000,000 brain cells in just 5 nights! If it worked for me, it can work for you. 

Soooo...I love Sebastian Tellier in an almost obsessive way, he kind of has that Frank Zappa chic (ha) thing going on that I just cant say no to. And I've also been trying to up my street cred, so thanks hoodinternet, this shit is a hundred million dolla gold. skanks. fuckin' skanks!

$Million Dollar Sportswear- DJ STV SLV

its a hot hot summer

i got a band here that put an absolutely amazing 2005 album, you most likely have heard of them, but this album needs to be listened to again. of Montreal, Lindsey showed me a photo of there lead singer performing, i was a little bit offended that he performed nude with a flaccid penis, i thought he would at least putt some effort into making that thing erect, but thats just me. it must turn someones crank.( i couldn't find a picture but my girl condoleezza shows what it looked like)

Of Montreal - Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games
Of Montreal - Forecast Fascist Future
Of Montreal - So Begins Our Alabee
Of Montreal - The Party's Crashing Us
Of Montreal - Requiem for o.m.m.2


in the past little bit, a band came together or more appropriately a group called Black Ghosts, one part some guy from Simian and one part i cant remember. there new album came out, they are legit and production and beats and sounds, but there lyrics are pretty lame, in the songs i am going to post you wont really be able to tell, but i don't know. most of there songs sound like a Phoenix rip off. there singles though are mad huge though. the first song posted eclipses the whole album for me aside from a few far back 2nds and 3rds. i am running it on repeat right now.

The Black Ghosts - Anyway You Choose To Give It
The Black Ghosts - Some Way Through This
The Black Ghosts - Repetition Kills You

and to finish it off , if you like obscure music that is sick and have a hard drive with some space, pick up a .rar extractor and go to Mutant Sounds

This is like deja vu all over again

i was watching the all star game last night with my dad and yogi berra was on and my dad said he said some pretty smart things as baller, so i checked it out. here are some of my favorite ones.

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

Where you been at?

This man has a track composed of various songs from his new album up on his myspace page
Don't know what to think about it exactly, maybe I've grown out of his sound since the last album, but its worth a listen.
Also here is some mash-up of one of my favorite Cut Copy songs and some Dizzee Rascal shit.

Dizzee Rascal vs. Cut Copy-Strangerole

So i was really hungry one day...

I took this burger down like it was nothing. Then the meat sweats came... oh boy polish meat sweats... god im classy.

So I have not posted in a long time here is 6 songs.

Cut and Run - King of the Bongo
Pnau - Embrace ft. Ladyhawke (Fred Falke & Miami Horror Remix)
Dark Meat x Diplo - unsuccessful space jam (diplo mix)
Radioclit - Secousse (Crookers remix)

Also with my previous theme 1 song remixed by 2 different djs = you decide

Rye Rye - Wassup (Crookers remix)
Diplo + Rye Rye - Wassup Wassup (ddpesh Remix)

Is it July 15th already? Ew!

So it seems like summer is slipping past pretty fast, and for this I am extremely sad. The dissolve of Port Carling Painters (PCP) after last summer was rather upsetting. Even though I may have only been an honorary "party" member, it marked the end of an absolutely unbelievable group of raging alcoholics making moronic messes basically all over the Muskoka region. I hear the Highland Court Motorcade still tells horror stories our naked whisky cigarette parties. It didn't help our case that Chelsey changed their sign to say something like "JIZZ CUM & BATHS FOR YOU" Every Huntsville resident that drove by before 10am with or without their children were in for a treat. I guess for now I'll take summer in stride, but I think we should all put a little more effort into getting into things, making a bit of a mess, and generally just being pesky, because I sure do love being pesky. 

Yeasayer- Wait For The Summer

Zombies- Summertime

PYT- Summer of 69 (Bryan Adams Cover)

JUICE

Athletes and sports figures get a lot of respect. They are physically superior to us but also really dumb. Jermaine O'Neal is the latest addition to the Raptors but I think he's really stupid.


Lil Wayne-Sportscenter

Mr. Testis

I am so bored right now. The only word I could use to describe this level of boredom is "astounding." As in, "It is astounding how bored Graeme is today, so astounding that he surfs the internet ad nauseam eventually finding videos with stuff like giant blue bulls with big balls."

The best thing to happen today was when a ventilation contractor called in as serious as a mother-fucking heart-attack and asked if our company lists the price for a product called a "lubricated plug cock." After some raising of eye-brows the man assured us that he hadn't confused us for "Anal World" and that the product in question is actually important to the installation of a ventilation valve of some kind.

Yeah i watch the Hills some times, you wanna fight about it

these two are too ridiculus with there little photo ops.

I 'aint just yo average hoe

Here are some tracks from some amazing dirt balls known as Yo Majesty done over by Kid Color n' shit. Pretty much the female equiv. of Spank Rock, they make me feel like waxing up and smackin' ass like Akon. (ew)

Club Action- Yo Majesty (Billion Dollar Djs Spring Break Mix) 

Phoenix B-O-O-T-A-Y- Kid Color

YO zongaMAJESTY! (Zongamin vs. Yo Majesty) - Kid Color

Oh, and Moulinex is pretty stupidly awesome- if I were a guy it would be like a manifestation of the 80's walked by and gave me a huge boner. Thanks!

Lights and Music- Cut Copy (Moulinex Remix)

Come on Closer- Moulinex (Pineapples cover)

edit.  The Zongamin/Yo Majesty link is being lame, I'll fix it soon (I checked and the other ones worked fine, let me know if its a problem)

TENDERLIONS TIGERS AND BEARS, OH MY!

I went to visit my uncle in San Francisco when I was like 10. I remember this story/bad joke he told my brother one day when he dropped some change on the ground. He said: "You know what they say about San Fran, if you drop a quarter kick it all the way to the ocean." I didn't get it at the time. However, other than boasting a notorious gay population, the city has also blessed us with these dirty motherfuckers. God knows I've got mad respect for the Tenderlions for remaking Biggie's "Going back to Cali", plus in general they just make me want to DANCE. 

Tenderlions- Going Back to Cali 

Tenderlions- Pump Up The Jam

Tenderlions- 99 Problems 

Shut the fuck up!

What is with this new breed of anti-smoking fascists? Since smoking has been prohibited in bars, restaurants and other indoor public spaces an anti-smoking Gestapo has developed who seem steadfast in their mission to stomp the personal liberties of smokers even further. Second-hand smoke? Shut the fuck up! People who get all uppity about someone smoking on a patio can go fuck themselves so hard that blood comes out of their ears. I'll smoke, and then I'll get cancer, not you. How's that sound? Telling someone to stop smoking in an outdoor public place is like over-hearing a conversation that you don't care for and then walking over to the person and telling them to stop talking. Or like yelling at a bum because the way he smells is offensive to you. Anti-smoking Nazis need to be stopped before they are finished destroying a citizen's right to act in a selfish and unhealthy manner.

This track is good and laid back.
Paper Route Gangstaz-Rollin(Ayres Remix)

Man Attempts To Stand In Attractive Woman's Line Of Vision

Pabst Still Coasting On 1893 Blue Ribbon Win

Dock Justice!

Nike has been doing running mixes with people like lcd soundsystem and others for a while and this is a sample of what A-Trak has done for them recently.
Say Whoa: Running Man-Nike Run: A-Trak

Bill Hicks was probably the funniest comedian ever in my opinion. Unfortunately he died in 1994 and the world is a much shittier place without him. I'm no idealist but this little clip that he used say at the end of his shows makes me feel weird that someone actually used to give a fuck.
The Vision-Bill Hicks

This is one of his best clips, worth listening to if you have some time....about 12 min.
Backed Up-Bill Hicks

Tuesday morning...OMG I just heard the new Coldplay song on the radio and it was so good that I lost control of my bowels and started sobbing tears of joy all over my keyboard. The best part is that it sounds just like their other stuff, which means its amazing. Fuck do I love those guys.

Dunlop you suck COCK

He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.

these songs go bump in the night

The Presets - Talk Like That (Miami Horror Remix)

The Bloody Beetroots - I Love The Bloody Beetroots

give the first track till about half way before you pass judgment

i am not creative like you guys with your work sneakers and your left handedness

The Bumblebeez can sting me any day

Again, sorry if anyone has posted any of these bad boys already.  The beach boys one is part of a project by some LA djs, remixing some of the good ol' boy's surfer tunes. Some of them suck real bad, but this one is alright.

Beach Boys- Girls on the Beach (Black Lights Remix)

And here are some madly cool licks I've been dancing around my house in my underwear to for the last few weeks.

HEARTSREVOLUTION- Switchblade (LA Riots Remix)

Bumblebeez- Rio (Crookers Bang Mix)

So Im the biggest winner ever. I take the 407 trying to get to the 400 North and am in a daze thinking about rotton shit.....and I end up in Pickering Ontario with no gas totally losing my brain all over the place. So im like, well, i should walk out into this field, so I did. And i started spinning around playing what Brain Hillar used to tell the kids at camp was the "stare at the sky and spin around until you fall over" game. It was a game because the last person standing was the winner, although they didnt win anything. Im sure the people driving by thought I was actually less crazy than i really was at the time, which is insanely crazy. Also, someone referred to me as looking like Kate Moss clinging to a wall with a cigarette- which is now more terribley horrible than it was before, and I generally feel like a total shitty dirt bag. I keep getting flash backs of all of the times Che'sey Alarm' din' strong puked out of the side of my car during last Augusts "summer of love" festivities. I wouldn't be surprised if I went down town and a homeless person spit AIDS into my mouth. (loosely based on a Chad Barrs quote) Sweet. So if anyone wants to find me I will be in a hole listening to this song on repeat.
Peter And The Wolf- Safe Travels

CSS sucks

edit. This is a picture of crowbar and whiskey squirrel


so i know crowbar hates on css a lot, but this new tune has got my panties in a bunch. I think it is just great. give it a whirl.


CSS - How I Became Paranoid

i have allot of time to kill at work, and i have a computer so i spend that time on the Internet. i frequent the onion website allot, odd news websites, and i frequent blogs, in fact i am blogging right now at work. anyway this one is for you polish guy, he even kinda looks like you. no music though, i think that would be maybe pushing it to far, but who knows i still have 2 months left in this shit hole.

edit. whisky squirrel is this about you?

Oh Diplo, Stop it! You're making me blush

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but its just the eggs hatching.

So I have Wilt Chamberlain fingers, what do I care? The dude got mad chicks.
I hope nobody has posted this song but Im too lazy to go chickity check it.

Young MC- Bust a Move (Diplo Mix)

Has it only been 232 years?

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

New Virgins track that is kind of different...

The Virgins-Murder

...also this is pretty funny, the bug totally flies into this guy's mouth, hilarious results.

Not to worry fellas!

Going bald on top doesn't have to be a death sentence. All you need is a sense of humour, a lot of hair products and some time on your hands and boom, genetics can go fuck itself.

YEAH CANADA day

here is a great Canada day article i suggest you check it out, it talks about how great Canada is

here is a song i like or two or three

Thunderheist - Jerk It (Jokers of the Scene remix)

Shitdisco - 72 Virgins (Bloody Beetroots Remix)

Don Rimini - Nervous Breakdown

Go Terry Go!

Terry probably would have made it accross Cananda had he had this song on his walkmen:
The Klaxons- Atlantis to Interzone (Crystal Castles Rmx)